The earlier the NFL season goes, the further it feels.
Every day feels like a week. Each hot take looks like an open invitation to growl. Every piece of content needs to be consumed, because refreshing Twitter is the only way to ease the pain and fill the void.
I tried to relax a bit by watching cute dogs, but my sports-loving brain just can’t seem to shut down.
So I ranked the dogs of the 49ers players in power. I have developed a complex and sophisticated analysis model for this company called VIBES. It takes into account that every dog is a good dog. Even the lowest ranked dog is nothing short of remarkable, and I would even get to smell his dog’s breath.
If you get angry, take a second, take a breath, and think about dogs. These dogs have no idea what a “power rating” is. They can’t read. Record your emotions for an entity that is actually aware of your existence.
- Kobi Bean Warner, the Goldendoodle (@kobi_doodle on Instagram)
The league’s top linebacker has the same routine: waking up, smashing skulls, causing turnovers, then going home with the cutest dog on the whole team, maybe the division. Kobi Bean plans to have cuddling abilities for all, which is necessary for the modern National Floofer League.
I’m a sucker for a Goldendoodle, and the Warners must have known that internet hikes would one day pit their puppies against their own teammates…. well done, Fred and Sydney. Zeus Willis would be proud.
Photo courtesy of Thebark.com.
2. Mozzarella Juczyzck, the Samoyed Vanderbilt (@its_me_mozzarella on Instagram)
You don’t get the juice without squeezing it. It was a tough call between Mozzarella and Kobi, but when I thought of Mozzarella jumping on my black couch, I had to go with the doodle.
Throwing aside, she’s a worthy # 1 challenger. Its name is prominent – nothing beats the name of a food that you vaguely resemble. Mozzy is white, fluffy and decadent, resembling a dog worthy of his own Instagram. The most impressive part of it all is that she went to Harvard. Did you know ?
3. Javon Kinlaw’s American Tyrant he received from Trent Williams (@ sbg-bullies on Instagram)
Intimidating races intrigue me. They are absolute units. It blows to me that the canine equivalent of an NFL defensive lineman is the same animal as a Bichon or a Beagle. Soccer players seem to gravitate towards the Bullies (or Cane Corsos or Mastiffs), which is probably why Trent Williams had the business savvy to start his own breeding service.
For me this dog is in the top 3 because it is a double threat: it looks like it can sit on your lap like a lover one minute, then go out and slaughter a horse the next. Add the narrative – just visualize Trent Williams and his brothers in their element, raising their puppies and making their teammates happy – and just like Javon and Trent, the VIBES are just too strong.
4. Deenie Kittle, the Bernedoodle
In any other team, Deenie would aim for the top spot. The Niners roster is packed and in an area full of personalities… it’s adorable and amazing but just too generic.
I will see this dog at my friends’ house when I visit their families. I’ll see him on the dog play date at the local park. I will see him on the hiking trail every Saturday morning. Such a dog next door matches the Kittles to a T because George seems like a guy you can have a beer or three with. In a different universe, you’ll likely find him sitting in a bar or brasserie (depending on the condition of his bun), pulling up on the Shih Tzu, with that exact dog sitting patiently and politely cross-legged under his stool.
This is not a bad thing. I 100% hope to butt Deenie if I see her in real life. I also hope George doesn’t read Niners Nation.
5. Zoe and Rookie, the 49ers Frenchies (@ the49ersfrenchies on Instagram)
They are obviously very cute, but they are the official dogs of the 49ers team. Niners Nation is proud of its objectivity *. It’s not ESPN. If the team can afford to buy EPL teams and real estate, they can afford to throw your boy a bone.
* I will place her in the top 3 if I can get a date with my dog.
These rankings are fluid. I probably missed several dogs, as I was just browsing social media, so please comment or tweet them, and we’ll see if these rankings need to be adjusted.